I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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