oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Let's get the cat blown out
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
