Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
