did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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