my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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