just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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