I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
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