4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
