hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
