i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
