Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
