I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
