Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
our cab driver is having phone sex.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
