oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
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The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
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Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
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