My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
