i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just saw a hot homeless man
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
