you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
