Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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