I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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