Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
