checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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