Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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