I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
