Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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