Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
