when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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