Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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