You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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