just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize