My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
