worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
