so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
