I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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