We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Congratulations! We have a period
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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