I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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