you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
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This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
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We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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