i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize