we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
