I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
