Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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