I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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