I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
