just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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