Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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