just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Randomize
