if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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