I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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