Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
