I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
