Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We are all done wearing pants today
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
