my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
