I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
