True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
