Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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