My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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