i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
