i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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