who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
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Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
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He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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