Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
