I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
