My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
