I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Found the puke drawer
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
i've created a new STD.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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