Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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