He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
