she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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