If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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